Who am I?

Some of my friends and family know me very well , but i believe most of you don't. I'm an open person when someone comes and asks me about my life. I hate that people think I'm stuck up when they first meet me because I don't talk much but that is because I'm shy until I learn about the people around me. So maybe if i just let people know what my life has really been like then they will know that I don't judge and I'm here for all my friends and family. My life has never been easy and I don't believe anyone's life is easy. For a part of my life I was Sexually Abused. I wont lie it has affected my life everyday. Its not something that is easy to forget about or to move past it takes years and lots of time trying to understand why. There is no real reason why other than there are just sick people out there that need help. I have always kinda went to church with family but after this had happened is when I really started to believe there was a such thing as a God. I use to get so mad thinking if God was real why would he let people get abuse and mistreated. For years I didn't think a God as great as Him could do that to good people. No one ever deserves to be abuse I don't care what they have done to people. I would never wish that on someone. Well for years I went to church to try to find out why and never could understand it. I also didn't want to deal with what had happened to me I would just push past it all. When I had found out that I was pregnant I decided I was going to raise this child but that I needed to work to find out who I was. I will never know why people hurt others in those kinds of ways, But I will always pray for the sick to get better. I have heard people talk about why God lets people surfer when no one deserves that. I have never been given a clear reason but I think I found what I was looking for. God doesn't want people to surfer, He is not a mean hurtful God. He gives you only what he know you can handle. Maybe its not always good things but weather its the good or the bad he knows that if you want to you can take both and grow from it. I got abused but I'm not going to let that ruin my life. Instead I want to reach out to the ones who have trouble dealing with life and try my best to help make things better. I know I cant help everyone but I can show people that I have a past to and what I wrote tonight is just a small part of it. I'm not scared to show people who I am anymore, instead I'm glad for things that have happen because I know that somewhere down the line I could really help someone. Plus I know that what has happened in my life both the ups and the downs has made me stronger.

Beauty within yourself!

Today I was listening to songs and looking at pictures of myself and my friends. I notice myself wishing that I was pretty like they are. Then I stopped. Why would I wish something like that? Today society is all about looks and sex appeal. They make you feel like you have to look just like a model to be normal now days but that is so far from the truth. Everyone is beautiful in their own ways. Movies, TV, Music, and Famous people make the average person on a daily basis feel like crap and have low self esteems. IF I could change this for every girl I would because it causes a lot of pain in their life's daily. I use to feel like I wasn't good enough for anyone because I wasn't drop dead gorgeous like most the actresses. I'm tired of living my life like that day to day. I want to feel like I'm good enough without putting on slutty clothing to draw eyes to me. I want to have the confidence I see in others. I want to be able to walk out of my house in sweat with my hair all messy and no make up on and feel just as pretty as I do when I'm all done up. Today is the change of a big part of my life.. Today I'm going to start to think I'm pretty and love myself for who I am. I'm so use to someone saying I look good and instead of saying, "thanks" first I would say something like, "oh whatever, or no I don't". I'm tired of the world telling me to look a certain way and mostly I'm tired of putting myself down.

Love

People live to love. Thing is most the time we just get hurt. Have you ever loved someone? So much that u think of them everyday. You cant help but blame yourself for losing them. You cant help but think of all the things u could've done to keep them in your life. Sometimes they are still there in your life..but sometimes it hurts more to have them there. You want to curl up in a ball and cry when u see them or even get to talk to them..And you cant even help it. The tears and all the pain comes rushing in like a waterfall. You seem like you gave part of your heart away in hope that maybe just maybe they gave u some of their's. Thats how i feel a lot of times. Sometime im very rude to him so that maybe i cant protect the rest of my heart from crumbling away. I got my life together and am happy but i always feel like there is always something missing. I dont think ill ever get that part of my heart back from him. But life goes on and i will find that guy who i can give the rest of my heart to and he gives me his in exchange. Someone that will be there for me no matter what happens. That Mr. Right that everyone talks about!

The blah day

As I woke this morning to a phone call I knew that would be the setting of my day. I know I shouldve been happy to get that phone call about my college class..but like all the other phone calls all I heard was blah, blah, blah. I went back to bed after that call..When I awoke the second time I still felt this blah feeling. I dont understand this feeling..I havent even started my day yet and I had this feeling. So i pushed past it. I started my college work like any other student would. Still Blah. I sat on facebook to catch up with friends. Still Blah. I even applied for a job. But yet still this blah feeling. So i gave up trying to get rid of it. I lived my blah day just like most my days. Still sitting here I feel this blahness.. its crazy how feeling can set your mood for the day.